Birth mother chooses life, seeks to restore her own

By Blake Ragsdale | Editor

Toteanna drove into her former neighborhood and the family home where she grew up. The 18-year-old had returned to pick up her dog, Burrito, a source of comfort since childhood, but it was not the only reason for the trip.

Even though family relationships were strained and conditions within the home were less than ideal, this was still her family. She longed for circumstances to be different and relationships to be restored.

That hope faded within minutes of her arrival.

Toteanna retrieved Burrito, climbed back into her car and began the drive to BCH’s Emmanuel Home in Thomasville.

“I realized I couldn’t go back home,” she reveals. “I did not want that for myself.”

For several months, Toteanna had lived at Emmanuel Home, BCH’s residential program for birth mothers who are rebuilding their lives after completing an adoption plan for their babies. Although she had been given this opportunity through BCH’s adoption ministry, Christian Adoption Services (CAS), she had yet to fully embrace the program. In fact, she had gone home against the advice of her support staff.

The trip became a turning point for the teen. “I was like, I’ve been taking stuff at Emmanuel Home for granted, and I haven’t been putting in as much effort that I should,” she admits. “I didn’t care enough to not make those choices because I’m so used to just accepting my fate. I hate that I had that mindset.”

Long before that drive home, Toteanna’s journey toward Emmanuel Home began with an unexpected pregnancy at age 16.

“I want to say my life shattered because I was scared,” she says. “I knew what I would be bringing my son into with my family situation.”

Toteanna knew in her heart that giving her son a different life might mean letting another family raise him. She began researching adoption agencies that could help her find the right family. That search led her to CAS where she connected with Tammy Bradley.

Although Toteanna believed adoption would give her son the best opportunity in life, everything changed the day Khalil was born.

“Once I saw him, I just started crying,” she says. “I decided to keep him for a little while because I was like, ‘I can’t just give him up.’”

Toteanna brought her newborn son home hoping that she would have the family support she needed. When that help didn’t materialize, the teen mom became overwhelmed. Within a month, the realization set in that she could not keep Khalil.

“It was going to be another cycle again, and I didn’t want that for him,” she shares. “I was just seeing it all over again.”

Breaking that cycle for her son spurred Toteanna to get back in contact with Tammy at BCH’s adoption ministry.

“Having Ms. Tammy there…words can’t describe how I felt. It just made me feel really good and happy,” Toteanna says. “She was the only person that I had at that time.”

Tammy worked with Toteanna to identify a family waiting to adopt through CAS. Toteanna looked through the many family portrait albums which are made up of information and photos to help birth mothers get to know each waiting family.

“I was looking at the families, but nothing drew me to them the way I was drawn to Will and Chelsea Harper,” Toteanna says.

With the family identified, Khalil’s adoption plan was able to be finalized. Toteanna entered into an open adoption with the Harpers. An open adoption allows birth mothers and adoptive families to have contact with one another.

With the adoption final, Toteanna was still figuring out her next steps. Even though she had learned about Emmanuel Home through Tammy, committing to the residential program was not yet in her plans.

For the next several months, she sought stability. She enrolled in and successfully completed a five-month military school program. She also spent time working a local job while sleeping on the sofa of her family’s home. Ultimately, the family turmoil and everything she had endured sent her spiraling. Toteanna found herself turning to alcohol in order to cope.

“There was a few times where I was going to work drunk because I was just tired,” she divulges. “I didn’t want nothing. It was just getting to a point where I just accepted it.”

Throughout everything, the thought of committing to Emmanuel Home never completely left Toteanna’s mind. She knew she needed a change, but choosing to leave behind the only life she had ever known proved more difficult than she expected.

“As much as me and my family don’t have the best relationship, I don’t know, it was just hard to leave all I’ve known,” she admits. “And I’m so young, so I didn’t want to have to make the decision that meant me living by myself.”

Choosing life, restoring her own

Even though the thought of moving to Emmanuel Home and leaving the familiar life she had always known was difficult, thoughts of Khalil helped drive her forward.

“I want him to have someone in his life he can look up to,” she says.

The decision did not come easily. Months passed between Khalil’s birth and Toteanna’s arrival at Emmanuel Home. Even after moving into the residential program, the pull of her old life was still strong. Although she wavered after arriving and made that unauthorized trip back home, revisiting her former life ultimately gave her the clarity she needed to move forward.

What began as a reluctant step soon became the foundation for a new future.

Toteanna has the familiar support of Tammy, who supervises Emmanuel Home. She has also grown close to the two BCH on-site coordinators, Regine Boykin and Alicia Hall.

Regine and Alicia mentor Toteanna, help her set goals, and provide the structure to support her goals. Toteanna has a job and is focusing on completing her high school equivalency. And with a heart for animals, she is also enrolled in a program to become a veterinarian assistant.

“I’m proud of where I’m at because I never thought I was capable of being here,” she says. “Where I’m at today wouldn’t have been possible if it wasn’t for the Lord.”

At Emmanuel Home, the hope of the gospel serves as the foundation for everything else. Finding a church where Toteanna could grow in her faith and develop meaningful community has been vital. Interestingly, the church she is attending is named Emmanuel Baptist Church.

At first, Toteanna was concerned about being accepted because of her background. That fear quickly faded the day a group from the church treated her to lunch after worship.

“Everybody was talking to me and just being so loving,” Toteanna says. “I just need to be shown. I just needed to feel like I belong, and they’ve shown me that.”

Regine says the love of Jesus is lived out at Emmanuel Home through devotions, discussions, and compassionately responding to the deep hurts that birth mothers carry.

“I can live a life in front of Toteanna that’s aligned with Christ, but I think the local church plays the most important role in showing her there’s others, even people her age, that are also following the Lord,” Regine explains. “I’ve seen growth in just her understanding of the gospel and what our relationship with Jesus is supposed to look like versus trying to follow a bunch of rules.

“On all levels, social skills, being responsible, spiritual life, all those things have blossomed in her.”

As Toteanna continues making strides toward becoming self-sufficient, she is encouraged by her church, the support of her Emmanuel Home staff, and the regular updates she receives from the Harpers.

“They send me pictures of Khalil a couple times a month,” Toteanna says. “Every picture I have of him, he’s smiling. It brings me comfort because I know he’s happy. I just know he’s going to be great in life.”

Questions about birth mother support at BCH